Blessed Are Thee Without Migraines

Came across this draft from last semester….
Today kids, we are gonna tell a funny little tale about the time I died and came back. Unfortunately, I didn’t go to Heaven in the middle. Instead I went to the other place, where the migraines and cookie-tossing are plentiful. Join me as I recount the exciting adventure.


So I woke up right? Ate a breakfast of champions of granola and banana. Felt so good, I had to take a picture of it, because it seemed like the bloggy thing to do. It was just another wonderful day.


I took a shower. Got gussied up for work and school. (My first day of work in a week) (My last basic test of the semester). And then boom. Like a freight train, these super weird symptoms pop up. It’s the most unusual thing. I don’t often get migraines, but when I do they are biatch.

First, my eyes start to fade out around and get spotty, like I’ve been staring at a light bulb. Of course, that makes every light source that tries to reach said eyes burn like holy fire. At this point I was walking out the door and regret not buying those sunglasses yesterday.

Second, I develop the slightest little headache. Which came on just in time for me to pull out of my drive way, turn around, and come back home to take a whopping 1,000 mg’s of pain killers. (Which was foolish – I know drugs can’t even touch my migraines.)

Third, that baby headache grows up and goes to a wild college party. I can only assume this is what a hangover feels like. (I have a strong strong aversion to throwing up, so I don’t even risk hangover life.) It’s throbbing, and pounding, and buzzing. My eyes feel great, but my head feels like a bowling ball. Which is a great condition to be while at the gas station. Oh plus your card declined, twice. Even though you transferred money and you made bank last week. Bonus!

Fourth. Remember that strong aversion to throwing up? Like clockwork, that headache sinks down into my stomach. Do I really need to go into any more details? By this point I was sitting in the hallway outside my classroom, early as crap because I didn’t have to fill my gas tank. I loose some bananas, call about 7 coworkers begging them to cover my shift, put on a brave face, then enter the room. I failed that test by the way. How are you supposed to answer 5 in depth essay questions while trying not to loose your bananas again.

I then went home, trying not to share my breakfast with the median, made it, and proceed to die.

And that’s what I did today. How is it that I can be so comical about this you ask? Because after a 5 hour coma, it begins to fade a little. Thank the sweet angels! I will never understand these migraines. To fight them is completely pointless. They are not even something you can tough out. I know this to be a fact.

I just hope and pray to my delightful readers that you and your loved ones NEVER get migraines. And to those who do, I am so sorry. I know a lot of people out there have much stronger more frequent migraines, and they have learned to cope. As for me, I’m just gonna keep dying and sleeping them off.

Starting now.


2 thoughts on “Blessed Are Thee Without Migraines

  1. Oh, man, I’m so sorry to hear about that, but kudos to you for being able to turn a horrible experience into an enjoyable blog post. 🙂 I get terrible headaches fairly regularly, but nothing quite as severe as this.

    P.S. Can I just say that the phrase “that baby headache grows up and goes to a wild college party” is superb?

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