Can you imagine…
how frustrating it is, to start a basic task, and no matter how hard you try,
you can not complete it?
how overwhelming it is to see thoughts and needs pile up in your mind, sorting them one by one so nothing gets left behind?
how defeated you feel when the simplest of things fall through the cracks?
how shameful it feels when people get upset that your mind can’t function like theirs?
You can’t imagine.
Attention Deficit Disorder man. You didn’t know I had that, did you? Sometimes, it can be hell. Sometimes it’s fun to roam through life picking up random thoughts like flowers. But then, you realize you have an arm full of flowers.
And they’re not flowers. They’re needs. Things that should have been done. Thoughts unused. Conversations unspoken. And they all needed to happen yesterday.
It’s an impossible state, attention deficit disorder.
When your brain refuses to connect the wires when you need it to…
and it just can’t.
It’s funny what a commodity Adderall is for the community with normally functioning minds. Personally, I can’t stand the thought of depending on a tiny capsule, every single day, to help me pretend I’m a normal human.
When I tried taking Adderall in high school, I hardly noticed a difference between taking it and skipping it. In fact, I would go days without taking my dosage. Then weeks. Then months. And my parents would ride me about “Did you take your pill? Go take it.” And that would get so annoying. Soon, I wasn’t taking my pill to rebel, and hiding the full bottles.
Then I realized I need to give it an honest effort – give the medicine a chance.
But then I would forget every other day. I couldn’t keep it in my system. And I didn’t notice a difference anyway…So I decided to turn away from prescriptions and find natural ways to cope. For 5 years now, my A.D.D. has been nothing more than a quirk. That’s why I’ve never blogged about it before (Plus, it’s not on the list of things I’m proud of yet…)
But lately, something has been triggered in me. Sometimes, this A.D.D. is debilitating. So, until I get this back in control, I’ve decided to vent my way through it here.
My blog has always been a safe place,